English Soccer Hooligans Ecstatic over new Fight Club

By Ivan Yakinoff
In Refractory Period

LONDON— In order to curb the ever growing problem of soccer hooliganism, the English Premier League have announced that starting in the 2018 season, hooligans will have their own EPL
sponsored fight clubs outside every stadium.

The clubs will feature steel cages with various blunt objects and weapons inside for all the fighters to use. Fights will take place before and after every match and there will even be a full Vegas style betting system in place. “The fight clubs are a huge step in the right  direction. These hooligans pose a serious threat us normal fans and our children. By giving them a place away from us where they can take out their violent drunken urges and beat the living shit out of each other, we will make the environment safer.” says Richard Scudamore, the executive chairman of the EPL.

Upon hearing this news, the actual hooligans took to the streets in celebration. Flipping over cars, randomly tossing firecrackers, and
causing nonstop mayhem, the hooligans just couldn’t hold in their joy. “Mate, as soon as I heard the news, I buttchugged several pints of Boddington’s and then proceeded to throw punches against every person that walked past me. I’m pretty sure I left one of those blokes paralyzed.” said Daniel Reynolds, lifelong Arsenal fan from Kingston.

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