English Soccer Hooligans Ecstatic over new Fight Club

By Ivan Yakinoff
In Refractory Period

LONDON— In order to curb the ever growing problem of soccer hooliganism, the English Premier League have announced that starting in the 2018 season, hooligans will have their own EPL
sponsored fight clubs outside every stadium.

The clubs will feature steel cages with various blunt objects and weapons inside for all the fighters to use. Fights will take place before and after every match and there will even be a full Vegas style betting system in place. “The fight clubs are a huge step in the right  direction. These hooligans pose a serious threat us normal fans and our children. By giving them a place away from us where they can take out their violent drunken urges and beat the living shit out of each other, we will make the environment safer.” says Richard Scudamore, the executive chairman of the EPL.

Upon hearing this news, the actual hooligans took to the streets in celebration. Flipping over cars, randomly tossing firecrackers, and
causing nonstop mayhem, the hooligans just couldn’t hold in their joy. “Mate, as soon as I heard the news, I buttchugged several pints of Boddington’s and then proceeded to throw punches against every person that walked past me. I’m pretty sure I left one of those blokes paralyzed.” said Daniel Reynolds, lifelong Arsenal fan from Kingston.

Rutgers Convicts Lead Prison Football Team to State Championship Game

By Ivan Yakinoff
Jetlagged

NEWARK— Three years after ruining their college careers for committing armed robbery and assault, the six former Rutgers football players who were charged now have found new glory as stars of the Northern State Prison football team in Newark. After consistently finishing last in the state prison football rankings, Northern State was grateful that their latest prisoner recruits were actual football players. Finishing 14-2 and ranked as the number one
seed for the 2018 state league playoffs, Northern State will now play East Jersey State in the annual NJ Prison State Championship Game.

“They didn’t go to Rutgers to play school, but they sure as hell came to prison to play football” said Gregory Schianson, the current Northern State head coach. When asked how his team found so much success from using criminals from such a horrible football school, Schianson explained it was all in the play calling. “I just tell my players to pretend that the football is actually a bar of soap. It adds to the challenge and makes you work harder to catch and keep control the ball. Just like how you wouldn’t want to drop the soap, you wouldn’t want to drop the football either.

The team’s success wasn’t without hiccups along the way. During week 10, wide receiver and kick returner Tim Johnson was indefinitely suspended when it was revealed that he received impermissible benefits when a fellow inmate smuggled him loose Newport cigarettes. “Johnson was receiving contraband Newports even though our prison has a strict contract with Marlboro Reds. This is such a horrible crime and Johnson will have a hearing date over this
matter!” said prison director Christopher Ashworth.

As Northern State prepares for the final, they have high hopes they can reach the National Championship as well. But the prison football experts are not giving them any chance against powerhouses such as San Quentin and Leavenworth.

April to be Renamed “Women’s March”

By Sue De Nimm
Technically Not a Woman

WASHINGTON D.C.— With the recent protests and walks for women’s rights going on all across the country, Congress has decided to finally cave and call April “Women’s March”. This is a decisive victory for feminists, and one that we think will be a great way to recognize all the great things women have done for this nation. As we all know, February is Black History month, and March is Men’s History month, so from now anyone, April will be known as Women’s March. “Obviously the protests weren’t going to get any actual change done, like lower the wage gap or stop the rampant sexual abuse in Hollywood, but this is a great way to pretend that we all live equally and appreciate women,” said totally not misogynistic local man Graham O’Reilly. Since March encourages doing manly things, such as drinking beer, forgetting to pick up your kids from day care, and crashing your pick up truck into a local Denny’s, April will encourage womanly things, such as caring for your twelve polio- ridden children, dressing modestly enough so as not to give men a half chub, and peacefully protesting for civil rights that no one with power will ever take seriously.

“Not my Governor!” Chants Erupt as Phil Murphy Acknowledges Central Jersey

By Mike Hawk
Pelivs Safety Officer

EAST RUTHERFORD — The Garden State most recently elected its newest governor, Phil Murphy. At his inaugural address Murphy acknowledged a plethora of things such as: New Jersey’s continuous support of women’s health and Planned Parenthood, raising the minimum wage to $15 an hour, strengthening gun laws, promoting equal pay for women and most importantly, that Central Jersey does indeed exist. Obviously this was a very polarizing topic for the fairly liberal state and brought together both Democrats and Republicans alike. “Not my governor!” chants could be heard from miles away as protesters took to the streets after Murphy’s address. For those of you who don’t know, the existence of Central Jersey has been hotly debated by those who live in north and south Jersey, and those who claim to live in the area they deem as Central Jersey. The concept of there being a Central Jersey came about because there was a large portion of individuals who live in the middle and feel like they don’t fit the mold of the stereotypical North and South Jerseyan.

Phil Murphy’s rise to stardom and governor could be described as him pandering to those who feel lost in New Jersey. Central Jerseyans often feel neglected and forgotten and then Murphy came around and acknowledged their existence. This of course was enough in itself to gain the support of all those who reside in the area. As for the north and the south, they have both taken breaks from arguing over breakfast sandwiches to take a stand for this more serious issue. The wannabe Phillies of South Jersey and the New York City run-off that is North Jersey cooperated to express their disdain over Murphy’s decision to recognize Central Jersey. If anything is certain about Murphy’s future as governor, it’s that he sure knows how to unite two feuding groups within moments of his term.

Progressive! Rutgers Adds Fresh New Pile of Horse Shit to Cook/Douglass Campus

By Sue De Nimm
Head of the Danny Fan-tom

NEW BRUNSWICK— Following the success of the first one, Rutgers has unveiled a brand new pile of horse shit smack dab in the middle of the Cook/Douglass campus. Last semester, students discovered the first pile on College Farm Road, and they were pretty thrilled.

“I was on my way to class when my nose caught some unfamiliar, yet welcoming stench. I looked down and I saw what appeared to be a giant pile of horse feces. Needless to say, I was quite amazed.” said junior Laura Tabor. The pile was put there by the Rutgers department of animal sciences as a public art display.

“We wanted to create a piece of work that would both represent our department and our university, as well as something that’s a pleasure on the eyes,” said head of the project Barbara Newport. “I got the idea when the police horse I was riding, King Charles IX, laid a big one right there next to the sidewalk. I just saw it and thought, ‘Wow, now that’s a beauty.’ So I just pitched it to the animal science people.” “Rutgers has always been an institution that prides itself on its appreciation and cultivation of the arts, and this was a way to bring that love of all things artistic and beautiful and bring it out of the museums and onto the streets,” said Newport. “This way, students can walk by that steaming pile of shit every day on their way to class and appreciate the finer things in life.” This past week, the group surprised us all with their newest installment, right by the Lipman Hall bus stop.

“I came off the bus, and I remember feeling pretty glum that day. Then I feel something mushy on the soles of my brand new suede Birkenstocks, and I see the brand new pile of horse shit! It definitely made my day,” said sophomore Jason Nguyen. Hopefully the 2018 Summer vacation will give the horses time to bulk up, eat some fiber, and gift us with a brand new display for next semester.