By Sue De Nim
BROOKLYN — Tonight is the second night of eight days of Hanukkah, which is the Jewish festival of lights. The holiday consists of lighting the menorah, eating latkes, and of course, giving presents to friends, family, and loved ones. Local non-Jew, Christian Johnson is experiencing the holiday for the first time this year with girlfriend Sarah Goldstein, and admits that he is just a little bit disappointed that the holiday isn’t all it’s hyped up to be. After dating for a year and a half, Johnson decided that he wanted to go to Goldstein’s family for the holidays to get the full Jewish experience.
“I was super stoked because I knew that the holiday lasted eight days, so I’m thinking, I’m probably about to get eight sick presents,” said Johnson. The Goldsteins started off the night with the candle lighting, in which Johnson mumbled the tune pretending to know a lick of Hebrew, throwing in some hail mary’s and hallelujahs. After the meal, which included an awkward conversation about the couple’s kids being raised as goyim, they moved on to the highlight of the night-the gift giving. “I was all excited for the first night of gifts, especially after that stupid stuff we did before that. I got Sarah a sweet new phone case and said ‘Just wait ’til you see what I got you for the eighth night’, but she just looked confused and said ‘What are you talking about?’ That’s when it clicked that I spent money on seven extra presents.”
“Don’t get me wrong, I’m very appreciative of the gift. I mean, who doesn’t love a new pair of socks with dreidels on them? I just assumed there would be more. Now it just seems like it’s lame Christmas.”
Johnson was last seen shedding a single tear, clutching his new socks, and whispering to himself self motivating phrases, telling himself that he’s worth “100 days of presents”.