Trump Places Dead Last in Government Fantasy Football League

Donald Trump has led his football team to the bottom of league standings this season while simultaneously doing the same to the USA.

By Throb Lowe
Suffers From Dry Scalp

WASHINGTON—As this year’s NFL season winds down to an end, fantasy winners and losers are beginning to secure their finishing spots. The most notable loser, is the one and only Donald J. Trump, coming in dead last in the government’s  league this year.

Finishing with only one win, Trump’s team placed dead last in a league filled with other political figures. Trump’s only victory this season was over Hillary Clinton’s team in the early weeks. His first mistake was using his first round pick to secure handsome, white millionaire Tom Brady.

“Brady is the best player on the field. Only haters and losers would pass on him in 1st rnd. Dems picked shady characters and Pittsburgh players. Sad!” Trump tweeted out at 3 a.m. the night of his draft.

The one place Trump shined this season was on the league message boards, where he managed to send more messages than his team scored points all season. According to statistics pulled from ESPN’s fantasy app, Trump’s team didn’t score more than 75 points during any given matchup.

“He spends so much time on his phone, you’d think he could do some research,” said Paul Ryan “In the draft he took Brady and the Browns D early because Cleveland hosted the RNC.”

When prompted to give a statement on his poor standing in the league, Trump told reporters that they were the ones in last and he was undefeated.

Trump is set to face Bernie Sanders in the toilet bowl this year. However, Sanders remains confident after a suspicious loss to Clinton last year.

Christmas to be Canceled as Santa put on Sex Offenders Watchlist

By Ivan Yakinoff
I’ve been Yanking off

NORTH POLE- After a year long investigation into the rumors that Santa isn’t actually real, a recent raid by Interpol revealed that Santa does indeed exist, but isn’t exactly the jolly old man that we expected him to be. A search of his mega factory turned up thousands of kid elves, many who were kidnapped and forced into child labor, and an entire storage room of counterfeit toy parts smuggled from China. But the most shocking find was the secret room in the basement and all the shocking revelations that followed afterwards.

An in depth search of the secret room showed that Santa was quite the party animal. He threw huge raves every week and did massive
amounts of blow and acid. Documents found in the room also showed that Santa was a pimp and ran the North Pole’s biggest elf prostitution ring. After being arrested and asked to explain himself to the authorities about this, Santa simply said, “My catchphrase is Ho Ho Ho, seriously guys, where in the world did you think that came from?”.

After his arrest was made public, more disastrous news about Santa came to light. Taking advantage of the timing with all the sex abuse scandals going on in Hollywood right now, many  of his former elf workers and prostitutes came forward about their history with Santa. “Every day Master Claus would just wake me up from bed and make me sit on his lap just to fondle his beard for hours on end. He would then set me up in a room in with a video camera and force me to make cookie baking videos. His weird fetish tormented me for years” said Brunelfa, one of Santa’s long time prostitutes. Santa’s sex workers weren’t the only ones to go through this kind of abuse. Many of his factory line workers have also shared similar stories about their abuse with Santa.

These serious revelations were enough to put Santa in the sex offenders list. The terms of being on this list gave all of his workers and prostitutes a lifetime restraining order against him as well as banning him from being in any building or house where there are children present. This means that he will no longer be able to operate his factory with his child elves nor be able to sneak into kids’ houses to drop presents. With no one to help make toys anymore, Santa, speaking from a video feed while in prison, has decided to officially cancel Christmas. “To all the great people of Earth, there will be no Christmas this year as I will not be able to employ my child elves or go into your houses anymore. While I can employ actual adults and another mall Santa to take my place and to work in my factory, all of them keep talking about nonsense like minimum wage, unions, vacations, and benefits. Since I don’t understand this urban slang, I’ve decided it’s not worth dealing with adults. So Christmas is a no go.”

Local Senior Convinced This is the Semester his Grades Get Better

By Mike Hawk
Pelvis Safety Officer

NEW BRUNSWICK — Squilliam Fancyson, a senior here at Rutgers University is excited as the first semester of his senior year comes to a close. Fancyson has endured 3 rough years as an aspiring engineering major and produced completely less than stellar grades in every way all through his years at the university. Determined, Fancyson refuses to let his grades suffer from the same fate as they have the previous 3 years.

To facilitate his new found academic success, Fancyson has made a list for us to ensure great grades during the semester.

“The first change I made is that I now get high every night and when I say every night, I mean every night; even when you have an exam the next morning. It’ll make you concentrate more to compensate. Second, lose all your friends. Not because they provided some sort of distraction to you from your work, but because they are all tired of your self destructive behavior and refuse to be associated with you anymore. As the depression kicks in, you’ll start to bury yourself in other distractions. This is where getting high every day helps and because the guilt you have for getting high every night is so high, you’ll make sure you get your work done. All of this coupled with the fact that you’re graduating soon and if you don’t get your life together, you’ll end up homeless, will ensure you have a great and successful semester.”

It appears that this method of living life ̇as worked wonders for Fancyson and his grades. In the future, Fancyson hopes to publish a book on how to be successful and believes he will be able to translate his new found success to a life after college.

GOP Tax Bill Includes Secret Recipe for Steamed Ham

By Sue De Nim

WASHINGTON — The recent Republican proposed tax bill has just been passed in Congress 51-49, and with it, some new changes, including a corporate tax cut from 35% to 20%. But unbeknownst to most, the republicans have also snuck in other big legislations such as the allowance of drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. However, the biggest thing that they have managed to sneak past the public was the long kept secret FDR recipe for steamed ham. This recipe has been kept a secret from the American public for over 70 years, despite numerous protests attempting to have it released. The official CIA statement regarding its confidentiality from 2015 states, “The United States government has found that the Roosevelt ham recipe is too important to release. If the Russians were to get their hands on it, the socio-economic consequences could be devastating.”

The original recipe concocted by the late president was made in 1946, and was a response to the Great Depression as a cheap and easy food any good, American, homeless family could make. Historians have speculated that it single handedly saved the American economy from utter destruction, but now republicans seem to be disrespecting its impact.

“That recipe is a staple of this country and has no right being released to the world. It needs to be kept secret so stupid idiots can’t screw it up,” said famous chef and T.V. star Gordon Ramsay. Many people are defending the move, saying it will allow all Americans to cook like a president. “Why do I care if the fuckin’ wheelchair president wants to keep his ham recipe a secret. I want to learn how boil a cow in water for sustenance.” Right now, the bill stands at a 25% approval rating among the public, and continues to drop. The senate has still been trying to advertise for its success, claiming that they have finally gotten through “Lower taxes, more jobs, and better cooked meat for all.”