News in Pictures: Solar Mishap

After spending most of his afternoon on the crosswalk, a blind old man causes frustration amongst commuters
as he sits down in front of traffic still waiting for the solar eclipse. An angry woman, unable to get him to
move, looks down as she realizes she won’t make it to her gynecology appointment on time.

Russian International Students Raising Bears in Dorm Rooms

BY Hippie
Hips Don’t Lie

LIVINGSTON — Over the past year, several students have submitted complaints throughout the Livingston campus regarding loud “growl-like noises” in the middle of the night. After resident assistants failed to find the source of the growls, residence life began a full investigation to ensure the safety of all students. What they assumed to be a raccoon and/or sexual deviant living in the building turned out to be so much more.

Upon resident assistants being instructed to inform the police on suspicious noises, the cops raided the Livingston Towers to find a family of domesticated bears living in separate dorm rooms. Russian international students had been herding them in the middle of the night from the Livingston preservation to the dorms, drugging them with alcohol to do so. In fact, the students disclosed that making the bears extremely dependent alcoholics was the way to keep them quiet most of the time. The “growls” were only heard when the bears
were fiending for alcohol. When questioned about the domestication of these wild animals, transfer student Vasili Vasiliev stated, “It seemed unorthodox that we are not allowed pets in dorms. At home, I had three bears named Stalin, Cyka, and Putin.”

Another student, Natasha Steveslav claimed, “My bears is my best friends. I loves them dearly – they even good at making of the love.” Upon making this statement, Natasha was shortly removed from university premises and arrested for bestiality.

The final student to be interviewed, Alexander Zaslavsky, stated, “Fuck America. My parents send me to this ridiculous country to get second rate education, and now you fuckers tell me I cannot even haves my bears? Fuck you all. If this gets me kicked out of school, I will gratefully transfer to Moscow University, where they let you have not ONE, not TWO, but up to SEVEN cubs if you want them.”

By the end of the interviews, the police realized that the students could not comprehend what they had done wrong, and thus were kicked out of university housing.

Trump Death Camps Should Eliminate Racism by Killing Other Races

BY Caillou
Collects WWII Memorabilia

WASHINGTON — This morning at 9:00, Trump announced his plans to begin construction on what is being called “Trump Camps,” a measure that is being taken to reduce systemic racism in the United States.

“Starting immediately, we will begin constructing our ‘Trump Camps’ across this great nation,” Trump stated this morning. “And believe me, this is going to be good-really, really – and this is for the liberal media who have been whining ‘Trump won’t condemn neo-nazis.’ Well folks, let me tell you – how are they going to screw this one up, huh? Who knows.”

The current goal of the administration is to have the first of the camps constructed by late May 2018, and hopes to be able to begin sending minorities to the camps by late June 2018. An ideal timeline predicts that all minorities will be eliminated by late 2019.

Professor of politics at the University of Pennsylvania, Dr. Denzel Oduwole, has expressed his approval with Trump’s camps, despite significant past differences. “I believe Trump has finally heard the cries of the American people and has shifted his stance on complacency in regards to white supremacy and the normalization of neo-nazi beliefs. He’s finally attacking the root cause of systemic racism in our nation at its very core: the existence of minority groups.”

This new effort by Trump has been receiving widespread approval from both sides of the spectrum. The few critics of Trump’s camps have expressed concerns over the feasibility of the project.

“All I’m saying is that we should just be a little skeptical,” stated Dr. Mordecai Goldstein, professor of Jewish studies at Yeshiva University. “Trump definitely seems to be making moves in the right direction, but I just feel like we should go into this with a healthy amount of skepticism is all.”

For once in our nation’s existence, it
seems that both sides can agree that Trump is
finally doing something right.

Thanksgiving Turkey Would Rather be Slaughtered Than Pardoned by Trump

BY Mike Hawk
Pelvis Safety Officer

WASHINGTON — President Trump has spent much time trying to overturn things that have been achieved during the Obama presidency. However, Trump decided to continue the tradition of pardoning the Thanksgiving turkeys but this time, with a twist. Instead of the regular two turkeys up on the spotlight, the main and the backup turkey, there were 14.

Trump had brought in all the previous turkeys pardoned throughout the Obama era and slaughtered them himself right there on the stage for everyone to see. He then turned to Drumstick and Wishbone and pardoned them for not being good enough to eat.

Both turkeys clearly looked understandably horrified for what they had just witnessed. We got a hold of both turkeys to see if they wanted to share their thoughts about that fateful encounter. “I’d rather be fucking dead than be associated with this dumpster fire of a presidency, and I’m a fucking turkey” Drumstick said. Meanwhile, it seems as if Wishbone didn’t really have much to say on the topic.

When asked, the White house Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders had this to say on the topic. “Those turkeys asked to be slaughtered. They couldn’t live anymore knowing the fact that they may have been pardoned by such a terrible president. In fact, they asked us to re-pardon them but we told them that it was not possible! If anyone should be appalled, be appalled at the fact that they went this long without someone listening to their problems!” Who knew Sarah loved turkeys this much?