Rutgers Lacrosse Player Overdoses on Pussy

BY Throb Lowe
Thicker Than Long

NEW BRUNSWICK— Rutgers freshman lacrosse player Chad Martin was found dead in his dorm room on Sunday morning, and the police are ruling the death as an overdose on pussy.

This marks the fourth death of its kind at the university over the past three years. Teammate and senior Brett Thompson initially found Martin when he didn’t show up to practice. He said “When Chad didn’t show I figured he was too hungover and went to go get him, but when the RA let me into his room I was totally shook.”

lacrosse
WHEN TRAGEDY FALLS IN YOUR LAP Rutgers freshman found dead with mouthful of clit

Thompson declined to elaborate on the matter, but Stonier Hall resident adviser Jenna Mcintyre said Martin was “found face down in the lap of a girl that lived across the hall.” Both parties were unconscious, and Martin was unresponsive to efforts by paramedics. The university plans to respond to the event strongly, by requiring athletes to take a course in the safety of eating pussy in moderation.

University president Robert Barchi said “The events of this weekend truly have taken a toll on the university. It has become clear to us that there is an issue with the culture of our community, and we will be taking steps to fix that.” The course will consist of a three hour interactive set of videos, where Rutgers athletes will learn how to enjoy pussy responsibly, much like the existing modules for alcohol consumption and sexual situations.

The lacrosse team will be postponing practice for the next two weeks to allow players to process the tragedy. Team captain Mark Jordan said “I believe the team will hurt for a while, but ultimately it will motivate us to win at this sport that gets us super laid, despite low viewership among more popular NCAA Sports.”

Students who feel seriously affected by the events of the weekend can seek counseling at any university student center until further notice.

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