BY Spectral Gumball
Not Kenny G 😦
NEW YORK – Paying United Airlines customer Fred Mulgrew was forcibly shoved out of the window of a United Airlines airplane as a result of the flight being overbooked.
At the time, the airplane was thousands of feet above Carlyle, Pennsylvania.
Police response to Mulgrew’s refusal to leave was to break both of his legs, gouge his left eye out, set his genitals on fire, and force him to listen to a Justin Bieber album.
“It was horrific. I tried to ignore the scene and relax, but I could still hear the screams, smell the fire, and worst of all, I heard a tone deaf woman singing about babies.” Said United passenger Carly Napoli.
United Airlines issued a statement defending the actions of the airplane law enforcement.
“A few years back, some unrelated guy also named Fred robbed a liquor store. That justifies our actions.” Explains United Airlines C.E.O. Oscar Munoz.
Munoz claimed to be pleasantly surprised at the degree of depravity his workers showed in a company email.
“The Bieber album was a nice touch. I never would’ve thought of that.” Munoz said.
Mulgrew’s corpse was discovered in a Pennsylvanian farm, when he fell on a cow. The cow was rushed to a vet, and is expected to make a full recovery.
“We asked Mr. Mulgrew to leave nicely, but he refused.” Said Airline Police Officer Oliver Reddin. “So we threw him off the plane. After torturing him.”