RUTGERS STARTS CULT FOR THE KIDS

BY Grind All
Greek Life Insider

NEW BRUNSWICK—In an effort to finally surpass Penn State in donations for Dance Marathon, RUDM organizers have decided to start the FTK Cult. This decision comes after The Medium produced a scathing article about how Rutgers, in its most successful year ever, could still only raise 10% of what Penn State can raise.

Reports say that the FTK Cult is being advised by cult experts such as the Westboro Baptist Church. The cult will begin picketing in similar fashions as the Church except they will be shaming and protesting people who do not donate to their cause. The hopes are that this aggressive format will motivate others to donate. This type of guerrilla canning will include intense psychological torture to citizens that deny donating. The cult has been instructed to follow home those who deny donating and yell “ASS-HOLE, ASS-HOLE” at them until they finally donate some amount of money. The cult has also said they would use force but what kind of force isn’t clear yet.

DM would also try to persuade members of the cult to meet a minimum of $2,000 in donations. Though there is a requirement now for the charity, it is more of a suggestion that is loosely enforced with the only penalty being inability to participate in the DM weekend. In addition, the cult would shame those who didn’t make the goal by giving them a shot of whatever sickness ailing the child for whom they are fundraising. This would make the participants realize how shitty the sick kids have it and motivate them to get all the money they can.

“We’re really excited about this,” said Dance Marathon spokesperson Matt Janson. “For years, we’ve been behind Penn State but starting a cult where people are forced to make at least $2,000 or else they’ll get some kind of cancer is the perfect way to make sure we make the most money possible.”

The cult is even backed by President Barchi who called the cult and its ruthlessness the “best chance Rutgers to stop being a disgrace.” The cult has even been described as carrying the entirety of Rutgers on their back, a label they are happy to have. Hopefully with the creation of this cult Rutgers will finally bring some pride back to the school and can actually say “Fuck Penn State” for an actual real reason.

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