PISCATAWAY—A local cult was recently found alive and kicking Tuesday night following reports of a mass suicide at their Piscataway headquarters. The cult, the Third Rite, was found in their compound surrounding one dead member. When questioned, members were seen sighing in relief, and insisting that she had it coming.
“Thank fucking God, she was so fucking annoying. She’d come to meetings and would just kill all of our ideas. Every single idea we would come up with, she’d just keep going and going until the idea was played out and cult cliche. We’ve been trying to get her to leave since our last doomsday scare. She just wouldn’t take a fucking hint,” said Brother Jedidiah. “We finally came up with a plan to fake our suicides, telling her we’d go to some new astral plane or some shit like that.”
“You know what the best part was? She fucking believed it! We couldn’t even say it without laughing. Like who the fuck would commit suicide for a cult? We’re not even one of those cults. She took a mix of phenobarbital and apple sauce and she was out like an eight year old with leukemia,” Brother Jedidiah continued.
Following the death, the cult was trying to get back to a state of normalcy, with a quick cleanup of the remains. The deceased’s body was being processed for rituals, with the skull being boiled and cleaned for use as a candelabra and the ribs being used for the cult xylophone quartet.
There is no word on whether or not the cult will be put on trial for murder.