Secretly a Jew
PISCATAWAY—This past Monday sophomore Krissy Mansfield attended her Jewish friend Shoshana Goldman-Silverstein’s Passover Seder on Monday night and boy did she not know what she was in for.
“I expected it to be kind of like Easter, without the whole Jesus coming back to life part. I’m cultured, I know Jesus is Jewish,” said Mansfield.
Upon arriving at Shoshana’s house she witnessed the beginning of the festivities. The started the night with a glass of Manischewitz–which was a Godsend since for alcohol that actually tastes good.
Then the real pain started.”They started reading from this little book for like a good two hours. I’m pretty sure this holiday is sponsored by a literacy organization or something because there was SO MUCH READING,” exclaimed Mansfield.
Things started to pick when they mentioned a burning bush and weren’t referring to a UTI, but it went downhill from there. After the burning bush the story moved to the Jewish slaves asking to be freed from the Pharaoh, but because Jews can never make it easy, it kept on going.
“Okay, I guess the Jewish slaves had a hard time, but I did too. I was sitting between a pervy grandpa and a pubescent 13-year-old boy still on an ego trip from his Bar Mitzvah. He thought he could ‘have me,'” she winced.
The most unbearable part proved to be the point the family made the youngest kid, a 5-year-old, read four lines in Hebrew. Poor little Sarah Goldman couldn’t read yet, so it took about 30 minutes to sound out the first word. The whole experience reportedly made Mansfield glad that Christians only speak in one language.
By the time the table got to the second cup of wine, Mansfield was ready to get wasted. Unfortunately the Goldman-Silverman family started eating raw horseradish and dipping some weeds in saltwater. Apparently this was to remind them of the tears of the Jewish slaves. It got worse when Mansfield ate the whole dish of parsley and chugged the tears of all of the Jews because she was starving.
“I was going to dinner!” said Mansfield. “I didn’t think I needed to eat beforehand!”
Finally, the matzah ball soup was brought out, a true staple in Jewish households. Luckily for all involved, Mrs. Goldman-Silverstein’s balls were delicious. Then it was onto the third cup of wine. After which the table opened the front door for Elijah which is where Mansfield lost it.
“No one was at the door, so I don’t know if it was actually a Jewish ritual, or everyone was just really drunk,” she said. “This is so fucking weird.”
Overall, Mansfield learned that Passover is really just an extremely long night with a lot of sitting around on an empty stomach, listening to people mumble in Hebrew and complain in English. Mansfield ended by saying that the highlight of the night was Mrs. Goldman-Silverstein’s soup was definitely the highlight, besides getting drunk and getting hit on by a pubescent teen who she realized would probably be her future congressman.