Walter Cronkite Jr
Just Another Jew
LIVINGSTON, NJ—A sandwich at the Livingston Mall was recently found to be eaten to a confusing point, where there was no clear spot for a next bite.
Security footage surfaced Tuesday morning of Tom Harrelson, 37, ordering a Burger King Crispy Chicken Sandwich at the mall’s food court. Halfway through eating the sandwich, there was no clear spot for a next bite, as it had now come to a perplexing half-moon shape.
The security footage showed there was only bun and wilted lettuce on each side of the sandwich, commonly known as the “bailout bite”, making a nosh there pointless and dissatisfying. The footage also showed Harrelson contemplating a bite slightly off-center on either side, but he nixed the idea as that strategy likely would have slid the mayonnaise-coated ingredients off the buns, seriously compromising the structural integrity of the sandwich and future finger-tip cleanliness, as the sandwich would have needed to be rearranged.
“I thought I was doing a good job up to that point, leaving myself clear spots to take my next bite as I went along,” Harrelson told reporters. “Then, out of nowhere, I didn’t know what to do next. In the middle was such a tantalizing bite; everything in the sandwich surrounded a nice meaty morsel of chicken. But you never bite right into the middle when the sandwich is in a semi-circle like that. That’s nonsense.”
According to multiple eye witnesses who corroborated Harrelson’s statement , the only satisfying bite on the sandwich was one taken from right in the middle.
“That was the only clear choice,” said Pamela Robertson, who rewarded herself with some Cinnabon BonBites after a long day of thinking about buying clothing only to leave a wake of unfolded, disheveled racks and displays in her path. “At that point you have to just go for it. That one bite will slightly push everything back into place, and you’ll be home free.”
After about 25 seconds of examining the sandwich and attempted prodding and squeezing to move the ingredients around, Harrelson took a bite from the middle.
“I had to do it,” said Harrelson. “I knew the risks, but it was worth it.”
Harrelson came out with slightly-embarrassing globs of mayonnaise on both sides of his mouth, as there was no way of avoiding direct face-to-sandwich contact after such a bite. The security footage showed him fumbling for napkins with one hand while using the other to hold the chicken sandwich by his mouth as cover.
“I’m not necessarily proud of it, but I did what I had to do,” said Harrelson, who’s sandwich was now in equilibrium. “I was just happy to have clear spots to take my bites again. That’s all that matters. Today is a learning lesson. I’m glad I came out of this okay.”
That day’s security footage did not show any other sandwiches at similar critical junctures, but this kind of predicament has happened before, according to mall security.
“We’re doing all we can,” said Randall Jeffers, head of mall security. “We’re currently devising a plan to stop this from ever happening again, but we are coming up against many challenges. As of now, we will continue to educate our mall patrons with flyers in the food court detailing the proper technique of eating a sandwich.”