I Do Not Believe in Conspiracy Theories

BY Louis Moresonfui

Listen man. I don’t know how into conspiracy theories you get, man. 9/11, Kennedy’s assassination, aliens, Flat Earth, Area 51, and of course, the entirety of Judaism. I’m pretty well versed in conspiracy theories, man. But let me just say, I might know a lot about them, but that’s only because you’ve got to research something if you don’t agree with it. It helps build your case against it even more. You know what I’m talking about man? I bet you do. But if you don’t, let me spell it out for you.

Remember when I said that you got to research something to disagree with it? I bet you do, you’re a smart cookie, man. You see, I’ve researched every conspiracy theory I could get my hands on for the past decade or so and I think I’ve made a startling discovery. Before I get to this, let me just state that by researching this, I know I’ve already made enemies, and I know that by writing and publishing this, they will come after me. I do not fear them, the truth must be out there, however, to protect myself, by the time you get to read this, I will have attempted to flee to somewhere safe. If I am found dead, know that no matter what THEY say, I was murdered. Tell my story, spread awareness, man.

Are you ready for my game-changing discovery? Conspiracy theories aren’t real man. Every conspiracy theory is actually fabricated by Reynolds and the other foil companies. They know that if they create these conspiracy theories, people will buy more of their product because everyone knows that the aluminum and tin foil that conspiracy theorists wear on their heads block out radio waves from the government, aliens and the Jews. That’s false. We think that that’s what goes on, but in reality, those companies are working with those groups and the foils actually amplify those waves, man. Big Foil is in on all of this because they know their products, that they created in labs, without gods, can allow people to track conspiracy theorists. They let the government and the Jews do this because they know that they will sell more foil. Big Foil is the main creator of these conspiracy theories. They are making billions every year in sales from those crazy conspiracy theorists who believe all that crap.

I know that you might think I’m crazy, but I know this is real, and I know that you deserve to know this, man. Conspiracy theorists are all insane and they deserve to know this. They need to know that Big Foil is brainwashing them into buying foil so they can make money and so the Aliens and Jews get the information they need to control the planet and our minds. Please, let everyone know what is going on. Everyone needs to know that Big Foil is behind everything. We can put a stop to this. Conspiracy theory nut jobs are crazy, but they are people too, man. They need to know that Big Foil is benefiting from them, man. Trust me. Big Foil is evil, we can save the world from Big Foil, man.

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