Grow Out Your Fucking Hair
BY Stephen Galante
We all have that friend who has so much potential stored in the roots of their skull. That one friend who could walk among the greats with luscious locks springing next to their ears. I have this one friend who is this guy, we’ll call him Jim. My friend refuses to let his hair grow passed the first layer of his skin. His pasty scalp could be used to guide ships into docks at the midnight hour but instead he looks like a nearly shaved tennis ball when he returns from his barber. His hair, when seen, is a viscous jet black. It reflects the light in a way comparable to ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. A modern marvel constrained by the teeth of his set of clippers, further vandalized by the sharp edge of a razor and possibly a drunk and blind haircutter. I would love for his follicles to serve a purpose. A dark mane of hair against his pale skin would parallel classic symbols of balance and unity. His current tennis ball hair is just a crime against humanity.
I Need to Keep My Hair Short
BY Jim Rockland
On the other hand, we all have that other friend whose hair looks like it’s been growing since ‘Nam. By now it looks like a paintbrush from a first grade art class and the only treatment is to kill it with fire. That friend is me, I am Jim. You can kind of see what I’m going for, but everyone would rather I take an axe to it so we can stop staring. My hair gets tangled up in knots that even the Boy Scouts don’t understand. I constantly have change stuck in my hair due to people mistaking me for a homeless person when I don’t keep it close to my head. I could charge rent for the family of canaries taking residence in my curly afro. Basically when I grow my hair out, I look like a hairball made love with a tumbleweed that rolled around in shit. I look like a smacked ass. If Donald Trump’s toupee and a dingle berry had a test tube baby mixed in feces and piss that would be my hair grown out. That’s why I don’t grow it out, because I don’t want to look like a fucking pile of hairy turds.