BY Maximum Powers
NEW BRUNSWICK— With both Football and Basketball failing to bring in crowds, Rutgers Athletics has taken drastic measures in order to drum up more fans as the other sporting events. For the women’s swim team, this involved adding three five thousand pound orca whales to the team. Listed as “red shirt” freshman, these aquatic mammals will be swimming in conference meets starting next November.
The integration of orcas into college athletics was a controversial move by Rutgers Athletic Director, and champion of the Old Queens Wet T-shirt Contest for two years running, Patrick “The E” Hobbs. By taking advantage of a University of Berkeley ruling that allowed furry students to be listed under what animal they like to pretend to be, Hobbs was able to enroll the three orca whales by listing them as trans-human. Now the three whales, Carla 10, Odette 11, and Shamu the XVII 12, are legally allowed enrollment in Rutgers education and participation in school sports teams. At a press event for the whales Hobbs commented that, “At first we felt that the [whales] would not be able to maintain the GPA to stay on the team, but it seems that they average higher grades than the football team. All three are set to be the first Orca-Americans with college degrees.”
While there are those who see this as a great step past the speciesist culture that has been in America for over two-hundred-and-fifty years, some still want to keep the teams separate and equal as they have always been. As for the feelings of the team, the women of Rutgers are delighted to have some new talented teammates in the water. Senior Jane S. Ediction told the Medium, “These girls have become an integral part of the team and we love having them around.”
Jane passed away shortly after the interview when Odette grabbed her by the ponytail and held Jane underwater for thirty minutes.