Resident Birthday Boy
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Since realizing the only way to get out of being the President of the United States was to delegitimize the voting system, President Donald J. Trump has now turned to a different, and even more interesting tactic to try and prematurely end his presidential tenure. In a recent secret meeting that has since been leaked by BuzzFeed, it has been announced that President Trump has proposed to shorten the month of February by 3/5ths.
“The 3/5ths Compromise was a huge part of America’s history, what better way to honor Black History Month than by incorporating a vital component of black history directly into the month?” asked Press Secretary Sean Spicer at a Press Briefing while on the verge of tears awkwardly trying to find his soul.
February being Black History Month, and even more commonly known for being the month with a substantially less amount of days than every other month, has already come under fire for having holidays such as Groundhog Day, Valentine’s Day, Umbrella Day, National Battery Day, the Leap Year and of course, Not My President’s Day.
“Nobody even likes February. It’s the worst month by far. He’s doing everybody a huge favor,” Spicer said.
The new proposal, which has already been drafted by Trump’s administration as an executive order waiting to be signed by President Trump’s tiny hands, is unprecedented and has nobody on edge. The Medium did some research and grabbed a calculator and found that 28 divided by 3/5ths is, in fact, 46.7. So don’t worry February birthdays, proponents of Black History Month and those of you who are really into batteries, the shitty February that you all know and love is here to stay and it’s just getting started.