Rutgers Alumni on Their Takeover of Superbowl LI

BY Maximum Powers
Hates Carrots

PISCATAWAY— The Super Bowl teams have been decided and it appears that it will be the New England Nationalists against the Atlanta Really Really Fast Birdies. While this outcome surprised absolutely no one, what did surprise sports fans was that Rutgers held the symbolic award for most athletes participating in the championship game. Between New England and Atlanta a staggering number of 5 players got their start as Scarlet Knights, twenty percent more than the next three colleges behind them.

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The Big…Something I can’t read Roman Numerals The five Rutgers Alumni who are showing that we don’t all suck

Despite naysayers claiming that this is the result of pure coincidence and is in no way reflective of Rutgers Football’s quality as a program, the university has wasted no time and made announcements praising the football program for it’s great recruiting and training of top class football players. Rutgers Football Coach Pat Hobbs told The Medium, “Of course Rutgers alumni would be all over Super Bowl LI. I remember turning on the TV, seeing these kids play back when they were freshmen and saying to the guys next to me ‘Why are we watching Rutgers? Notre Dame is playing on ESPN2.’”

As the administration provided no answers, many turned to the athletes themselves to inquire how attending Rutgers translated into a successful football career. While most were unable to comment on how Rutgers helped in their success, Logan Ryan had given the question a lot of thought and told The Medium “[Rutgers] was like playing football in five feet of pudding. It’s not until you have a competent team backing you up that you realize that this football thing is really easy. I remember as soon as I left the Scarlet Knights it felt like I had taken fifty pound weights off my legs.”

Hobbs had no comment for Ryan’s hypothesis, but told The Medium,“All we know is that Rutgers clearly has the best recruiting out of any college in the U.S. and have no need to ever change the way we do things.”

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