Local Heroin Addict
SOMERSET – Recent reports have determined that the newly opened pile of used, rusty, AIDS infected needles is more popular than the Kmart on Easton Avenue. Just last week, the Kmart had a total of 3 visitors, while the needles had almost double that amount.
Owner of the pile of used, rusty, AIDS infected needles Jack Smithers, 43, seems to understand the large difference in popularity between the two establishments. “Our newly opened pile of used, rusty, AIDS infected needles just has a wholesome, family friendly atmosphere that Kmarts just can’t offer to their customer base these days. I do think our numbers a bit higher due to this being our opening week, but I’m confident in our ability to outperform Kmart in the coming fiscal quarter.”
We were able to get a statement from a Kmart employee, who asked to remain anonymous, on his thoughts on the matter. “Honestly, those numbers are a bit skewed. If you don’t include those two raccoons who snuck into the tools department, our Kmart location only had one real customer, and that was the owner’s mother. She’s so supportive, but I could tell she was contemplating suicide while in here. Happens to all of us.”
A local church is already planning on holding Easter Sunday by the pile of used, rusty, AIDS infected needles, while Kmart is considering a merger with competitor Sears, who was outsold in the previous quarter by Johnny’s Hot Cocoa Stand, located on Lincoln Road, who recently was involved in a scandal for using water in lieu of milk in their hot chocolate.