Rutgers Quarterback Transfers to a School That Doesn’t Suck

BY Mike Hawk
Sucks At Everything

NEW BRUNSWICK— In the likes of LeBron James and Kevin Durant, Rutgers quarterback Hayden Rettig has decided to “take his talents” out of Piscataway.

This transfer news is coming at a time where a lot of players seem to be abandoning their homes in their respective sport. Earlier this year, basketball player Kevin Durant moved from his 9 year team at Oklahoma City to what is considered the strongest team in the NBA, the Golden State Warriors.rettig.png

It is hard to imagine what top notch school would want to pick up Rettig at this moment since his performance here at Rutgers University hasn’t exactly been ‘stellar’ but nonetheless, Rettig assures that his decision wasn’t based off the fact that he couldn’t win.

We asked Rettig about his decision to leave our great community and he had this to say.

“You know some people are saying that I am transferring because Rutgers can’t win a game but I want to set the record straight. The real reason I’m leaving Rutgers is because of how horrible the dining halls are on the weekend. They literally only serve breakfast on the weekends from the time they open till like 4pm! Most times I just stay in bed till 2pm and have my first meal of the day then. The dining hall is enabling my lazy lifestyle and something needs to be done about it. I can’t continue to live this destructive lifestyle.”

Rettig plans on transferring to The College of New Jersey, a less-worse Division III school with a pretty classy dining hall.

Now Rutgers has no one.

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