BY The Bus Kid
Shaving this beard is a whole lot like breakup sex, and let me tell you why.
When you shave, it’s like trying new things–like when you stuck your finger up your soon-to-be ex’s asshole while she rode you reverse cowgirl–you can try new things with facial hair. Goatee? Fu Manchu? Go for it, because as soon as you leave the bathroom, no one will ever know you tried those most likely horrible ideas.
On top of that, the commitment that you’re ending is just like when you broke up with your girlfriend and you really didn’t get deeply involved with anyone for a while. The second you take off that beard, you’ll most likely never grow it out to the same extent until next November. Now I’m not saying you won’t go a few days here and there in between without shaving, just like how you probably get laid here and there after your break.
You remember after you broke up, sometimes you’d wake in the middle of the night and turn around hoping to see your ex’s face but instead seeing the vast darkness of the night, illustrating how lonely you were? Yeah, that new void is the same as when you feel your now bare, baby-smooth skin. Pretty depressing.
And finally, you completely forget how to impress people, back when you had a girlfriend, you didn’t have to impress others and you were content with it. But once you broke up, you were broken, single and worst of all boring. Well without your beard, you’re pretty much boring all over again. Time to hit the gym again you bare-skinned bitch.