BY Adrian Superfly
Telephone Poll Dancer
WISCONSIN – Green Party candidate Jill Stein requested a recount of the state’s presidential votes following her suspicion of illegal votes sent in by approximately 10,000 carp. However, as the four underplayed employees went over the two million votes they uncovered a miraculous discovery. Located behind the state capitol building sat a dumpster filled to the brim with uncounted votes for former RNC candidate Jeb Bush. Counting at 3.7 million, the previously discarded votes places the lesser known Bush as the winner of Wisconsin’s treasured ten electoral votes.
According to an internal investigation by the FBI, the polling system used by Wisconsin auto trashed any votes that were deemed “joke” votes by common knowledge. With the polling program all votes for fake candidates like Jay Z, Tom Hanks, and Gary Johnson were all immediately disposed of and compiled in the now-famous dumpster. As the program never sought to take number of votes into account, the almost four million Jeb Bush votes were still discarded. As of this report Wisconsin has announced it is taking no steps to change the process of counting their votes, according to one state official “Look at this point… it just doesn’t fucking matter man. Seriously like…fuck.”
A statement released from the official in Wisconsin maintain their innocence in tampering with the vote claiming “Seriously, how could anyone be serious?”
Jill Stein was overwhelmed by the findings that her investigation uncovered. A staff member of Stein’s oddly persistent campaign told the writers at The Medium “Honestly we were just expecting to catch a few fraudulent votes for Johnson, you know to boost Jill’s self-esteem. We never thought we would reveal the most surprising upset victory since Rocky III.”
Hillary Clinton was unable to be reached for comment, but reportedly could be heard cursing America from the woods she currently resides in (see headline to hear more about this story). President-elect Donald Trump (I literally vomited typing that) refused to comment to reporters, but promised to post a tweet about the issue after a high fiber dinner on Thursday night.
Taking the news in stride, Jeb Bush has announced he will look to move to Wisconsin and seek to win governorship in the state. This unprecedented victory is much needed for Jeb as he reportedly suffered unending verbal abuse this past week during Thanksgiving from his father and brother for not being able to even get nominated for president while his mom sat next to him and whispered sweet nothings such as “You know you’re still my special boy Jeb.”