Trump Demands Paterno Statue be Re-Erected

BY Stephen A. Smiff
Missing Skip Bayless

HAPPY VALLEY, PA— Calling Joe Paterno one of the “greatest winners of all time”, president-elect Donald Trump recently demanded Penn State re-erect the statue commemorating the disgraced former head coach.

“This country will be a country of winners,” said Trump in an interview with a Pennsylvania newspaper on Sunday. “As president, I will celebrate all of our winners. This country is great at football, Joe Paterno was a great football coach, and therefore there is no reason his statue should have ever been taken down.”

The Paterno statue was taken down in 2012 after it was discovered he spent years covering up countless cases of sexual assault perpetrated by members of his staff. However, as a head coach from 1966-2011, he won a record 409 games, including two national championships, though all of his wins after 1998 were forfeit, dropping him to 12th-best all time.paterno

Trump admonished those who took the statue down, calling the university officials “boneheads” and “losers”. Trump promised to re-erect the statue before the beginning of the 2017-18 school year.

Trump claimed this has always been part of his plan to “Make America Great Again,” as celebrating the greatest figures of America’s favorite sport is how he plans to promote winning. Trump also plans on erecting statues for O.J Simpson, Lawrence Taylor, Mike Ditka and Ray Rice.

The Penn State community, which was recently baffled when Paterno was honored at a football game this season, is not for re-erecting the statue, as they do not want to unearth that dark, disgusting, degrading 30-year period. Most students who are against Trump’s plan then went to binge drink at a party and force themselves sexually on unwilling participants.

Trump was unfazed by university backlash, claiming they are “stupid molesters who don’t know greatness if it grabbed them by the pussy”.

“This country cannot keep running away from its great history,” said Trump. “First we forget about Paterno’s greatness. What’s next? We forget about everything Robert E. Lee did? We ignore the great accomplishments of Andrew Jackson? We dismiss Walt Disney’s social causes? That’s just wrong.”

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