Sex Tips From Your Grandma

BY Jacques Shtrappo

Kids nowadays with all their fancy gizmos and Facebooks means that making love ain’t like it used to be. Back in my day, we would just show a little ankle and hope he didn’t have the pox, and then the magic happened. So let old granny tell you how I keep things fresh on the ole’ straw bed.

My first tip is for those young ladies. Boys love it when you start talking about wanting a baby, nothing turns on a man like the thought of responsibility and the end of his youth. Now men, ladies appreciate a man who takes charge, so try to see how many layers of clothes you can poke your pulsating rod through. Remember, dry humping makes both Jesus and you happy!

Ladies: once the clothes come off, that’s when you have to start using those chompers! By biting your man’s genitals, you tell him that you are still young and healthy enough to carry his seed– nothing signifies the suppleness of youth like a bleeding scrotum. Now men, if your girl has shown her dental resilience with her bitey advances, that’s a good sign– but you need to make sure she isn’t playing you for a fool. Modern medicine has developed a technology of false teeth, called dentures. With such technology, conniving young ladies can put on the aura of youth while possessing no actual means of eating hard tack and biscuits through the winter. So, what you can do is form a fist and punch her right in the uterus to see if it sags out. A sagging uterus is a sure sign of necrotic tissue and potential gangrene. If there’s no apparent seepage from the vagina, then we can now finally begin sinning before the almighty Lord.

Now is the most crucial part. Ladies, if you experience any pleasure at all, your children are condemned to being demon spawn. Men, there is only one acceptable position, missionary, because unoriginality and lack of female empowerment is sexy. Well, that’s all that Granny can think of at the moment, but Granny will be sure to keep an ear open for any new tips that I can forward to you kids in some chain e-mail/spam format in Comic Sans. Y’all remember that granny ain’t no hollaback girl.

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