NEW YORK CITY— Earlier this morning, animal rights group PETA reportedly bought out the NFL, in order to force football players to use live pigs instead of footballs.
The inclusion of this recent rule has been introduced with heavy scrutiny, which prompted PETA to make a statement saying, “The usage of live pigs instead of the barbaric ‘pigskins’ previously used will prevent the slaughtering of millions of pigs a year, while still maintaining the spirit of America’s favorite past-time.”
Critics of this rule have argued that the football has never been made out of pigskin, and official NFL footballs have actually been made out of cowhide since 1955. PETA has not yet responded to these claims.
Defensive lineman David Carter has become a vocal supporter of the new rule. “This is a big win for us vegans. Also a big win for pigs everywhere, cause they don’t have to die and stuff. Bit of an inconvenience for those pigs getting tossed around now, but I don’t believe that all pigs should be able to live in peace, if that means that even one pig must be sacrificed.”
Quarterback and part-time philosopher Russell Wilson had an opposing opinion to David Carter. “Why shouldn’t all pigs be able to live peaceful, free-roaming lives in exchange for the death of a member? Do the ends not justify the means in such an extreme scenario as this? If the pigs can live with the notion that they must kill one of their own to create footballs from his or her hide, then so be it I say.”
In a survey on NFL.com, when asked what the fans thought of the new ruling, 84% of surveyors were “excited as tits for field goals and touchdown dances.”