BY Sasha Romaine
I’ve been thinking about fucking my pet pig. His name is Umberto, and he’s my best friend. But let me take a step back.
I’ve had Umberto since I was 14, and now 22. I just recently got married last year and my husband is overseas. Not in the military, he’s a traveling salesman; he sells pillowcases.
So I spend most of the year alone, with no one to really comfort me. Except Umberto. And the thing is, Umberto is old. Pigs only live to be 8 years old, and my Umbie is 7, so I don’t have much time with him. We have such a close bond already, I want it to become even more unbreakable, and what bonds two souls more than sex?
I know what I’m saying is unconventional, but it’s not my fault. No one has ever cared for me or loved me the way Umberto has; he’s been there for me when I’m sad, and cuddles with me when I’m cold. My own husband doesn’t even do that! So of course I have to turn to my pet pig for solace.
I have the perfect spot, too. My backyard. It gets really muddy when it rains, so it’s the perfect, warm spot. I should probably go get ready, actually. It’s supposed to rain all day tomorrow.