BY Grind All
Arctic Puffin #1
SOME WHITE SUBURB—At around 12:01 AM Monday night, neighbors say they saw Mary Ellen Callahan already decorating for Christmas. Callahan had apparently waited until the clock struck midnight on Monday, signaling the first day of November, to smash the pumpkin that had previously been perched on her step. Witnesses say they heard the smash of the pumpkin followed by Callahan shouting “Fa-la-la, motherfuckers!”
Neighbors reported that just mere minutes after the end of October 31st, Callahan had already begun blasting Mariah Carey’s hit “All I Want For Christmas Is You” while firing up the fake snow machine.
Eye witness reports say that within thirty minutes, Callahan had already blown up four reindeers, a sleigh for Santa, a menorah (for multiculturalism), and three snowmen. “I’m not done yet but I figured you have to start somewhere!” exclaimed the over-enthusiastic mother of three. Apparently, she still has a ferris wheel with all nine reindeers each playing different instruments to the tune of “Here Comes Santa Claus.”
Upon further investigation, it seems that Callahan has also already switched out her children’s entire wardrobe for more “Christmas-like” garment.
“It was seventy degrees the other day but she took all my t-shirts,” said son Calvin. “All I have now is a bunch of snowman and reindeer sweaters. I’m going to die!”
The family is also reportedly preparing their yearly Christmas letter in which they send a whole update of the entire family’s happenings to everyone from their family members to old friends from college they haven’t seen in twenty years.
When asked for his opinion on the early celebration Mr. Callahan said, “Leave me the fuck out of it.”
“This is my favorite holiday and it’s never too early to start celebrating!” said Callahan as she began to “casually” whip up some egg nog and Pillsbury Santa cookies, continuing her madness.