NJPIRG Worker Stabbed to Death

By Traitorous Gumball
Local Canine

NEW BRUNSWICK—NJPIRG worker Chad Phillips was stabbed and killed by an unknown hero at some point in the last couple of weeks. Nobody in the Rutgers community cares enough to look into the case.

The organization has been harassing students indiscriminately since their referendum polling started a month ago.

“He was a great worker. I remember hearing about a time last week a girl told him she was too busy to vote, and he chased her down, then yelled threats and obscenities at her until she started to cry. She voted,” explained NJPIRG manager Lester Markowitz.

They are generally positioned in the most inconvenient possible locations, such as in front of bus stops, the middle of sidewalks, and in front of bathrooms. This forces students to either engage with them or take lengthy alternate paths.njpirg

Student reaction to Phillips’s death was generally positive.

“I’m tired of having to deal with these assholes. No, I haven’t voted. I would rather make out with my dog than give them a moment of my attention. I’m glad he’s dead,” said junior Alex Moreen.

Others believe that Phillips’s death is a turning point in the fight against the organization.

“I was attacked by one of them in 2013, last time they had their referendum. This should send a message to them that we won’t tolerate their violence and harassment. We don’t need to be scared anymore,” said senior Isabella Sluke.

There will not be any funeral service for Phillips in the coming weeks.

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