Retired Wrestler Launches Political Campaign

BY Soon to be Dead Reporter
Not Dead Yet

NEW YORK—Former WWE Superstar Jason “The Table Hurler” Campbell has announced his intention to run for local office. Last year, The Table Hurler suffered a serious leg injury by falling off the arena after successfully defeating his arch rival, Frankie “Eyeball Eater” Jones.

“He should’ve been more careful, I mean, a fourteen inch fall is nothing to sneeze at.” Lamented Paul Staton, The Table Hurler’s manager.

The Table Hurler decided to run for local office after realizing that politics and professional wrestling are essentially the same thing.“I’m used to a career that’s based almost entirely on flashy showmanship. Take my relationship with the Eyeball Eater, for example. We pretended to be opponents, choreographed our moves in advance, and we’re both paid by the same companies. Hell, the matches have predetermined outcomes!” Mr. Table Hurler explained.

Wikileaks released emails proving that the primaries were rigged earlier this year. The revelation strengthened the idea that switching to politics would be a natural choice.The Table Hurler later stated that becoming a politician that flip-flops his opinions excessively would be a further extension of his old habits of switching between being a face and a heel depending on the situation at hand and the needs of the WWE.

When asked what his policies are, The Table Hurler simply stated that the easiest way to get elected would probably be to research the viewpoints of both presidential candidates, and claim his views are as far away as theirs as possible.

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