BY Latin Mama
I miss my dogs so fucking badly that I cry myself to sleep every night. But really, I do. Well, sucks for me, cuz I can’t them in my on-campus apartments. But…where there’s a will, there’s a way, aka LOOPHOLES! Here are some pets that you can sneak into your dorm/apartment for some much-needed company.
Hermit Crab. Their cages smell like 4-day-old butthole and they will most definitely pinch you (think nipple clamps…owwwwww), not to mention that they are also pretty terrible company-wise. But hey, having this smelly little friend is much better than being alone scrolling through Tinder!
Cat. The cat will most likely spend his or her days plotting your murder, so on second thought, absolutely don’t get a cat (aka the spawn of Satan) unless you have a death wish.
Goldfish. How could this go wrong, right? WRONG. Remember that kid in the fifth grade who always poured waaaaaaay too much fish food into the cage and killed poor little Freddy? Yeah, as long as you don’t get too high and do that (good luck), you should be fine.
Plant. Be honest with yourself: you can hardly even take care of yourself (when was the last time you trimmed your pubes?), so why complicate things and get a pet? The best option is to get a plant and call it a day. Careful: while this seems like the easy-way-out, it still has the potential to become fucked up nine ways to Sunday (overwatering, accidentally peeing into it in a drunken stupor, etc.). On second thought, just continue being alone and call it a day.