Drunk Girl Seduces Statue

BY Traitorous Gumball
A Scumbag

NEW BRUNSWICK—Chaos erupted last weekend as Rutgers Junior Taylor Brown decided that Walking Man, better known as the statue outside the Zimmerli Art Museum, struck her fancy.

Within seconds of laying eyes on the statue, Brown shambled to him and proceeded to kiss him.

“I’ve never seen her like this, usually she can control herself.” Said Max VanName, a friend of Brown’s who witnessed the hookup.

As Brown continued, students gathered to witness the event that some are describing as the epitome of the drunken, hormone fueled shenanigans that the university is famous for.

Others cite the Public Safety Building orgy of 2011.

The hookup lasted approximately five minutes before Brown realized that she was doing all the work

ROCK HARD! Brown takes a break from dry humping to down another beer.

“I realized that I somehow never felt his tongue, let alone his hands. It just felt weird to not be felt up in any way during a make out session. So I left in search of someone more experienced.” Brown explained.

Jessica Greenberg, A Rutgers Women’s Studies major who witnessed the event, plans to charge Walking Man with rape charges.

Other witnesses are impressed with his stamina, and hope to eventually seduce the statue themselves.

“Look at that guy! His jawline is so well defined. And he’s got buns of steel!” Said Rutgers Freshman Katrina Schneeberg. “I just hope he’s into Jewish girls.”

One thing we know for certain is that Walking Man will have to be cleaned before the incident happens again.

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