Rutgers Saves Millions Not Shooting off the Cannon This Year

BY Mike Hawk
Pun Enthusiast

PISCATAWAY—This past week was the quarterly financial meeting for Rutgers where officials discuss and disclose information about this year’s budget. For the most part the meeting went as planned. As usual Rutgers makes a fuck ton of money handing out parking tickets to innocent students who are just trying to make it to class on time or by forcing students to buy a $250 parking pass so they can park on campus. Then make them park on a different campus that they live on and then ticket them anyway if they try to park anywhere else. However, there was a surprising piece of information that came out of the quarterly fiscal meeting. Right now Rutgers is saving about $5 million from its budget because of the lack of gunpowder being purchased for home football games.

cannon
“CANNON YOU NOT?’

The Hunt has turned into something more the likes of a wild goose chase. The wild goose being a touchdown and our Scarlet Knights being blissfully unaware what a goose is. In the past three weeks Rutgers was outscored 153 – 0 which means a lot of gunpowder used to fire off the cannon went unused. We have accumulated so much that Rutgers refused to buy anymore gunpowder being that it is bought in bulk. Based off of our performance the past few weeks it is safe to say that we have enough gunpowder to get us through the next 3 years.

The question now becomes what to use all of the extra money originally allocated to cannon use on. Rutgers has released a list of 5 possible choices and we have them listed here for you ‘partially lower tuition for all students’, ‘free food at football games’, ‘better wi-fi’, ‘free back-packs’ and ‘a better football team’.

Our team did some polling around the streets of New Brunswick to find out what the students wanted most on the list. Johnny Sunday had this to say, “I – I think we could all use a better football team. Partly because of the whole school pride thing but mostly because all of our home games are always at noon because we suck so we don’t get the prime times. Then I have to wake up early to get drunk and I’m not sure how much longer my liver can take it”. About 90% of the students we polled think that the extra money should go towards obtaining a better football team. We can only hope Rutgers hears our plea and puts some extra effort into having a football team that lives up to the standards set by the Big Ten.

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