“Rack em’ Up”: A Virtual Reality Porn Experience

BY Barak the Magik Seakow

Have you ever been such an excessively horny burlap sack full of flaming dog turds that, rather than actually stepping outside and talking to a person of the opposite sex who you intend to bang, you’ve opted for a next-dimensional porn experience? Well say hello to porn…in virtual reality!

I, Barak the Magik Seakow, spent the summer saving up for a computer upgrade and a virtual reality helmet. I spent $900 on a legitimate gaming platform, the HTC Vive, with which I can now bring myself unprecedented shame… IN 3D!!!! So let’s dive right in and see what VR porn is all about!!

Let’s start off with the porn video itself: “Rack em’ Up.” It went as follows: You watch the video from the perspective of a silent human dildo sitting on an armchair. A dirty-blonde woman who appears to be in her 30’s is apparently playing billiards by herself. She promptly comes over and is suddenly naked. The rest is textbook pornography, complete with missionary, cowgirl, reverse cowgirl, and doggy style, with an obligatory gloryshot at the end. The video, as a normal porn, was pretty frickin hot, but admittedly pretty generic.

So how did this fare in the third dimension? There is one aspect of this video that makes it an incredible ejaculatory experience that all Slutgers students should experience: size relativity. In normal porn, you’re watching a video with a diameter of only a few inches– but in virtual reality porn, everything looks like the size it would be in reality. This might not seem like a huge difference, but it is immense. Your brain feels tricked into thinking it is real– the stiffies that you get here are authentic, and not just a result you being a sperglord who climaxes thinking of the concept of VR porn and not the porn itself. It’s still sexy, and still worth smashin’ the hammer to!

VR Porn is here to change the world. PornHub already has their nuclear scientists and quantum physicists working on a motorized fleshlight that humps your sorry ass totem pole at a rate that is synchronized with the virtual pornstar’s humping of the weiner itself. The future is now! With a solid virtual reality porn setup, you might even successfully delude yourself in believing that you would have any chance of having similarly-eventful encounters with women in real life.

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