BY Tonto Goldberg
New Brunswick—Rutgers students are just now getting into the swing of midterm season. Many classes at Rutgers are graded on a bell curve. This allows for students like Darren Bonaparte to sleep in class while managing to do just well enough to scrape by. Unfortunately for Bonaparte, there are occasionally exceptional students like Alex Peryonie, who ruin the curve for everyone.
Sitting in the front row, typing away on his laptop like a courtroom stenographer, Peryonie knows just enough English to laugh at the professors’ shitty jokes.
This week, the bell curve in Professor Hara’s Anatomy and Physiology midterm was once again completely ruined by Peryoine. Ironically, Peryonie has suffers with scoliosis, a condition that completely ruins the curve of his spine. “It feels good to finally fuck up the curve for other people, especially after having to live with a fucked up curve my entire life,” Peryonie explained. “Looking at x-rays of my back at every visit to the doctor’s office really helped me on this exam. I feel like I’ve known this shit forever.”
Bonaparte was very unenthused about his grade after the exam. “Sure, it’s great for him, he gets a good grade, but what about the rest of us? This is going to set all of us back. To be honest, it’s selfish on his part. I would’ve had a C+ if it weren’t for this guy. He completely ruined the curve for all of us.”
“I had a hunch that Alex way going to do well,” Professor Hara said. “He is always working hard and participating in classroom discussions. He is always asking questions to try and better understand the material we go over in class. Now I know that many of my students are unhappy about the curve and their grade on this midterm. Hopefully the students learn to straighten up like Alex—just not physically, of course.”
Peryonie has confirmed with The Medium that he will not stop until every student at Rutgers knows his pain.