Someone’s Getting Fired

BY Mike Hawk
Spongebob Analyst

PISCATAWAY— This Saturday we all lost a piece of our soul. Our very own Scarlet Knights suffered a crushing 78-0 defeat from the Michigan Wolverines. The fans haven’t been this mad since Gary Nova blew it at the Penn State game two years ago. Because of all the uproar, the fans are calling for the firing of someone off the football team staff. It would not be fair to get rid of Chris Ash because he came into this steamy hot mess of a team.

Following the complaints Rutgers athletic director Pat Hobbs called for the immediate firing of Timothy Walsh, the Assistant Video Coordinator for the football team. We asked Hobbs to clarify his decision to fire someone so insignificant from the staff. “Insignificant!? Mr. Walsh is the sole purpose we played so poorly against Michigan Saturday night. Not the play calling, not the bad decisions, and not the skill gap, but Mr. Walsh. Mr. Walsh failed to produce a quality video presentation Coach Ash to entice possible recruits to stay in-state and choose Rutgers, thee birthplace of football over anyone else. That is where our problems stem from and nothing else. He needs to go.”

In the past two years Rutgers has signed on 48 new recruits with only 10 of them being from the Garden State. None of them being ranked in top 10 rankings. That’s right, it’s as easy as typing into google who should be recruited and we have somehow managed to get none of them.

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