Rutgers Football Obituary

BY Grind All

The Rutgers football team, the Scarlet Knights, passed away on Saturday, October 8, 2016 at the High Point Solutions Stadiums in Piscataway. After seasons of suffering, the team was quietly laid to rest after the 0-78 defeat on Saturday. They are survived by the dance team, the marching band, and both cheer squads.

Rutgers football was born on November 6, 1869. They graduated from the Big East Conference and American Athletic Conference in 2013 and continued their life within the Big 10.

Sadly, within months of being inducted into the Big 10, Rutgers was diagnosed with “totally-not-prepared-for-this-oh-shit” disease. The team put up a fight, even seeming promising at one point. But as the 2016 season began, it became clear there was no cure for the illness.

Rutgers football died surrounded by friends and family aggressively chanting their favorite statement, “Fuck Penn State.” Funeral services will be held Wednesday October 12, 2016 at 7:45 p.m. in the RSC room 411B.

Letters of condolences and flower arrangements can be sent to Chris Ash, your hopes and dreams, and your blackout plans.

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