Rutgers Chancellor Still Hasn’t Met Anyone

BY *Cough* *Cough* I’m Sick
Dead Reporter

NEW BRUNSWICK—The chancellor of Rutgers University’s flagship New Brunswick campus, Richard Edwards, has recently sent yet another email asking someone, anyone, to come and meet him. Edwards has apparently been the chancellor at Rutgers for twelve years, although it remains unclear what the chancellor actually does.

The barrage of emails from the desperate chancellor is nothing new to upperclassmen at Rutgers. They have been coming, relentlessly, at least once a week for as long as we’ve all been here. First-year Rutgers students are beginning to wonder why they’ve got this email four times already this fall. Recent transfer student Danielle Baker expresses her frustration. “Doesn’t he have friends? Co-workers? Why does he keep bothering all of us to come and meet him? I get so many emails that I have to sift through daily, so it’s super annoying that he keeps sending these.”

In a theoretical conversation with the chancellor, The Medium asked why he is just so determined to meet the students of Rutgers.

“I’m just so alone,” Edwards mumbled, “I haven’t seen a single person other than President Barchi in twelve years. He gave me this nice office and told me I was kind and handsome. He comes by every two weeks or so and drops off some Snickers bars and a few strawberry Nesquicks. God damn, I love Nesquick. Still, I’m very lonely in here. I just want somebody to come and see me.” This conversation would probably have given much insight into the lonely life of the chancellor, if only anyone could be bothered to actually go and have a conversation with him.

There is some good news for Edwards though, recently President Barchi released a statement that Chancellor Edwards would be stepping down after this year. Presumably, Edwards didn’t know that was ever an option, and will be very excited to hear the news.

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