I Have an Existential Crisis Whenever I Eat a Kit Kat

BY Reese Wonkakitkat

Have you ever had a Kit Kat? I’m going to assume the answer is yes, because if you haven’t you’re a good damn fucking communist.

So let’s have a chat about Kit Kats. I’m not sure if you’ve ever eaten a Kit Kat and looked on the inside, but I have. And it’s fucking insane. Every time I eat a Kit Kat I have a major existential crisis. You see, Kit Kats are made of layers of wafer and coated in chocolate. But in between those layers are these crumbs. Ever think about what those crumbs are? I doubt it, you’re probably normal in the brain.

Well let me let you in on a little secret. Those fucking crumbs, those things that make Kit Kats so good? Those are CRUSHED UP KIT KAT. You heard me right, fucking CRUSHED UP KIT KAT. Now this raises the question. WHERE THE FUCK DID THE FIRST KIT KAT COME FROM? What was in it? It couldn’t be a Kit Kat without crushed up Kit Kats in it, but if it had crushed up Kit Kats in it, then it couldn’t have been the first Kit Kat. So where the fuck did it come from? Are Kit Kats proof of time travel? There’s no other explanation.

Sure you might say to me, well maybe they just made one without crushed Kit Kats and then crushed that up. But then what about the third one? Or the fourth? It just doesn’t fucking make sense. Whenever I eat these Kit Kats, I question what everything is in life. How did we get here? How did Kit Kats get here?

Now let’s talk about the other elephant in the room. Let’s just assume that they have the first Kit Kat, and make a small batch without the crushed up Kit Kats. So then you get some defective Kit Kats in the new batch ok? So you crush them up and use them in the next batch, then in that batch you get some defective ones, so again you crush them up, put them in the next batch. But guess what? That batch has some defective ones too, so you crush those up, remember, at this point you have Kit Kats that have crushed up Kit Kats from two batches ago. So you keep fucking doing this, over and over again. More and more batches, more and more crushed up Kit Kats, and you project this forward.

THEORETICALLY, YOU MIGHT BE EATING KIT KATS THAT HAVE CRUMBS IN THEM FROM ONE HUNDRED YEARS AGO. That’s fucking insane, seriously, you’re eating hundred year old Kit Kat. Those things were made when your great-grandparents were fucking and making your grandparents.

It’s insane. Kit Kats are the most insane fucking candy in the world. Not only might they be the only proof we have of time travel, they also might have pieces in them from before the first World War. It’s fucking scary, Kit Kats freak me out. They shouldn’t fucking exist, but they do. Everytime I eat them I wonder who I am. So keep eating Kit Kats until science figures out where the hell they came from.


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