BY Sweet Dick Willie
HAITI—This week, the entire country of Haiti is preparing for the impending arrival of Hurricane Matthew by simultaneously dying. The category 4 hurricane is projected to make landfall in southwestern Haiti with sustained wind speeds of 140+ miles per hour.
Rather than deal with all of the mudslides, power and communications losses, and general havoc brought about by the torrential wind and rain, the people of Haiti collectively just died.
“Honestly, it’s probably easier this way,” says Noah Bennet, recently deceased. “This whole place is beyond fucked. My roof is going to blow off and probably knock another seven houses down. I cut off the side of a shipping container and just fucking zip-tied it to the top of my house. That’s all it is.”
“We’re looking into more effective hurricane preparation measures for Haiti in the future. We don’t want to ever have to do this again,” says Miami based meteorologist Howard Hayes. “It’s truly devastating, and could have been avoided with careful planning.”
Hayes, among other experts, is puzzled at Haiti’s preparation strategy. An entire country dying in preparation of a natural disaster is completely unprecedented. This is probably going to be the last hurricane Haiti will have to prepare for several years to come.