Douglass Girl Gets Revenge by Biting Mosquitoes

BY Arnold Palms
“Give Head” Reporter

The mosquito population residing at Douglass campus has waned considerably during the last couple of weeks. This is explained partly because the weather is getting colder and many species of birds, such as mosquitoes, respond by flying south for the winter.

Sophomore Katie Carter is working to bite the remaining population into submission. “All summer, bugs have bitten my body whenever I had the audacity to walk outside for more than five minutes or so. It’s time I give them a taste of their own medicine!” Said Carter.

Carter eventually decided to seek her revenge by biting due to a combination of a biologically hardwired desire to destroy her enemies in the same way they attacked her, and the fact that punching small flying things is actually quite difficult.

“Punches and kicks have a relatively small surface area, making dodging trivial. I mean these fuckers have been rumored to dodge goddamn raindrops! I don’t know if it’s accurate though,” said Rutgers School of Environmental and Biological Sciences Student Andrea McGuire.

McGuire later explained that biting is most efficient due to the wide area open mouths have. She studies mosquitos and other disease carrying creatures, so she theoretically would have knowledge in this area.

Carter’s efforts have been estimated by herself to have decreased the mosquito population by 25%. This appears to be plausible, as a mosquito with bite marks was discovered in Neilson Dining Hall.

“So I was just sitting there eating my bagel, and a mosquito with human like bite marks just flies over in a zigzag pattern and lands on my arm. I’ve never seen anything quite like that.” Said Rutgers junior Warren Egizi.

Time will tell if Carter’s efforts to bite the mosquito population into submission will be successful. One thing we can all agree on in the meantime is that Katie Carter is a true hero of Rutgers University.

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