Penises are Like Diamonds.

BY Missy Gonzalez

Listen boys, I’ve ridden a lot of cock while here at Slutgers, I’ve fucked every type of man living on the Banks, and let me say, there is only one thing my insatiable snatch likes — circumcised men. Sure those men who still look like corndogs have been great, but nothing beats a man who has the mushroom cap. Everything about them is better, the feel, the smell, the taste, and definitely the look.

I’ve found through my college years, that dicks are a lot like diamonds. Sure, diamonds when uncut are still useful. They’re used in industry, in mining and in drill bits. Same with dicks, if it’s uncut, it’s really only useful for sex, and not even that good of sex. Just writing this article is getting my gag reflex going. What the hell is up with smegma? Some of my girlfriends say it adds flavor, a little bit of cheese, but it’s gross to me. The smell too is just awful. Imagine opening up a gym locker in Summer, only to discover that someone had explosive diarrhea in the thing at the beginning of last semester. That’s the smell I deal with all the fucking time when someone’s parents didn’t care and kept that foreskin on.

Cut diamonds though? Those are gems, works of art. You can show off those to your family and friends. Brag about the beautiful jewelry you now own. Cut cocks? They are beautiful. They belong in a museum — and in my cooch. When I fuck a man with a cut cock, I want to parade around the neighborhood with that thing on a ring (and boys, if you haven’t tried cock rings, then I’m the girl for you, I’ll show you a world you didn’t know existed. Also I’ll finger your butthole.) Dicks that are cut are works of art. That’s why dicks should be cut.

Remember boys, diamonds might be forever, but foreskins don’t have to be. If you’re not circumcised, then call the local mohel and snip the tip off. And for all your Jews out there, call me, I want to ride your cocks til your yarmulkes fall off, and if you’re not Jewish but cut, I have a cunt that is dripping juices just thinking about you.

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