It’s Not Fucking Gravy

BY Guy Who Is Not Italianadam

It’s a sauce. Marinara, more specifically. To call it a gravy, for no other reason than a tendency to stick with obsolete cultural norms, has at its best, caused unnecessary confusion between individuals, and at its worst, has halted the progress of human development, and will continue to do so until our lack of advanced technology leaves us susceptible to a mass extinction.

First, I’d like to provide irrefutable evidence that marinara sauce is not gravy. Merriam Webster defines gravy as:

1: a sauce made from the thickened and seasoned juices of cooked meat

So you can fuck right off Robert de Niro.

However, many people don’t find the truth reason enough to change their behaviors or habits, and that’s fair enough. But still, Robert de Niro can fuck right off, because their need to conform to their cultural traditions are hindering humanity’s ability to defend itself from cosmic catastrophes and minor miscommunications with the old fashioned Italian deli that makes a killer eggplant fettuccini. Also the Godfather sucks.

It’s well known that every major tech company orders their company lunches (and dinners, when necessary) at small family-run Italian restaurants. Do you think the Kennedy Space Center really has the time to figure out why this Italian grandmother with an accent thicker than her waist wants to put gravy on their fucking lasagna, and why the fuck- isn’t she a professional? Is she goddamn senile? I can’t, fucking get Alan on this bullshit we don’t have time for this asshole.

And, as these companies need to eat on a daily basis, all this time adds up. This confusion can last up to at least 30 minutes. In 2016, that adds up to over 130 hours of a company’s work being put on hold so that they can knock some sense into and out of the local Italian restaurants.

In conclusion, Robert de Niro can fuck right off.

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