Alphabetical Horoscopes

BY Latin Mama

If you are wary of the voodoo-esque nature of traditional horoscopes, predict your future according to the first letter of your first name!

A-F: Upon Facebook-stalking you, your crush will discover that you went to a Nickelback concert in 2007, immediately losing any prior interest in you. Delete the picture immediately before more potentials dates are sabotaged. (Thanks a lot, Chad Kroeger).

G-M: Your urge to pee in the keg at the party this weekend will be much stronger than usual (that means you, Greg). Resist the temptation—or just go for it, because Natty Ice essentially equals pisswater, anywho!

N-Q: You will buy a bag of Doritos with only three chips in it. Come to think of it, this is not much different than any other bag of Doritos, but this will yet again cause Nabisco to crush what little faith in humanity you had left. Happy Wednesday.

R-W: Your fifth-grade teacher will appear to you in a dream. Take this as an Oedipus-esque sign and call up that naughty teacher…You’re fucking legal now!

X-Z: Let’s be honest—no one has a first name starting with these letters, and if you do, you’re already infinitely superior to the rest of us! You are going to have sex with five people this week, be name-dropped in a Kanye song, and have a temple.

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