Rutgers Announces Future Classes to be “Even Bigger, More Profitable”

BY Matzo Hillel
Lead Reporter

NEW BRUNSWICK—At the behest of the entire Rutgers Board of Trustees, President Barchi announced this week that he is expanding on his five-year Student Population Expansion Plan. Many students have already become aware of Rutgers’ ever-growing student body, either by reading the reports of a certain hack newspaper or simply by having a poignant ‘unvaluable human chattel’ experience whenever they need to take a bus to class.

The incoming Class of 2020 is the largest in Rutgers’ history. As eighth-year engineering student Puja Patel, 24, puts it, “Oh yeah, a giant fucking wave of freshman. That’s exactly what this school needs.”

And true to form, this literal tsunami of fools has truly added a newer, spicier flavor of incompetence to this upstanding institution. There are now even more bodies to bottleneck the front of the bus, more hands being raised to interrupt lectures, more eyes full of hope that will slowly, but surely, die by the end of the semester. More than there ever has been before!

Many have criticized Rutgers for its apparent lack of selectivity. Transportation services and residential halls simply cannot keep up, to the disadvantage of many current students. The once beautiful campus of Livingston can now barely be seen through all the bodies. The LX has since be proclaimed the “8th circle of Hell” by students as the bus is never, ever not a fucking bitch to get on. Food has begun to run scarce, to the point where meal-plan students are visiting Brower out of their own free will in order to gain enough sustenance.

Barchi has dismissed all complaints so far. “We’re going to have to triple up, quadruple up, the dorm room residents. Stuff ‘em in there like sausages for all I care.” The school president continues, “It’s true that we didn’t have to select such a large number of students, and I considered weighing quality over quantity like many other higher learning institutions. But then I realized that that would mean less money for me.

“I deduce that Rutgers will welcome an even bigger class next year- my summer home’s inground pool can really use some refurbishing.”

Incidentally, students who wish to transfer to a school with a reputation of higher selectivity are advised to apply to Brookdale or even Penn State.

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