Lifestyle tips of the week

BY Hottie Patatty

1. Studies show that masturbating won’t make you blind, but it will make you want to masturbate more. Wait, you want to know what the studies are? Idk, go ask Bill Nye (Bill Nye the Science Guy!!!).

2. If you’re gonna let your man jizz all over your face, at least have him drink pineapple juice beforehand. That way, your face will smell like fruity cum instead of regular cum that smells like sweaty gymsocks (yes, I went there).

3. Forget having a salad as a meal. Just get really, really high so you can eat as much junkfood as you want. That way, you won’t feel guilty because you’ll be too fucking lit to care.

4. Look in the mirror every morning and tell yourself you’re beautiful instead of waiting for your stepdad to say it.

5. Don’t ever throw a 9/11 barbecue. It’s wrong and tacky. Throw MLK day barbecue instead, there won’t be as much (if any) outrage over that.

6. Love yourself always. Unless you’re a bad person. In that case, get yourself together you piece of shit.

7. Collect as many cardboard boxes as you can. That way when you are broke and jobless after graduation like the rest of us, you’ll at least have a home.

That’s all I have this week. Come back next week for more lifestyletips. Maybe. I might get too lazy to come up with any more, so theres that.

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