BY Dr. Tossed Salad
NEW BRUNSWICK – As graduation nears and job offers and graduate school plans begin to take shape for soon-to-be graduates across the different subschools, many students once again are ready to depart from the university and begin new life paths.
Yet for SAS Senior Ryan Schlong, a next semester Rutgers GSE student graduating with a B.S in Animal Biology, a lifelong dream job of working as assistant chief of staff for New Jersey Republican Congressman Leonard Lance has just been presented to him. The only problem was when Congressman Lance’s secretary called, Schlong was pooping.
Thursday afternoon Schlong went to Brower Commons, not a regular place for most senior students. In need of some quick food he decided it was worth the risk, not knowing he would soon receive a phone call while the so-called “food” was working its way through his anal sphincter.
“Can you watch my stuff for just a minute,” were the last reported remarks made by Schlong to a female floormate studying with him in his sixth floor lounge, who knew the Brower Commons victim would be gone for a minimum of 14 minutes, completely ruining her plans to masturbate before her roommate returned.
Once Schlong turned the corner, he picked up the pace to make sure he could grab the second stall, which is the stall usually not covered in urine, and readied himself for the reverse probing that was quickly approaching.
At the moment of release, 4:12 p.m., a surprising phone call with a Washington D.C. area code came to Schlong’s phone, as the sweat of gathered around his eyebrows and forehead, he nervously let out a feeble “Hello” to the then unknown caller.
It had been four months since Schlong applied for the assistant chief of staff position. It was a shot in the dark, but armed with a bachelor’s degree and a detailed cover letter showing in-depth knowledge of the political theater, Congressman Lance was reportedly so impressed he decided to give this young man a chance to add some fresh energy and ideas into the Republican Party.
But the food was moving fast. A concoction of those round, roasted “potatoes”, jello cubes and something called “chicken lips” had all combined into a substance known as “Explosive Shit”, or E.S. by most health professionals.
Warm, semi-solid and deep brown, this case of E.S. was punching Schlong in the stomach as he talked to the Congressman’s secretary, and reported weaps could be heard on the D.C. side of the phone.
“No, no, that is just my roommate. I’ll head into the hallway,” explained Schlong, knowing he was stuck in place until the Brower sludge was through making its way from his asshole.
“Do you mind if I call you back in five minutes,” asked Schlong with the secretary responding with a required “yes.” However upon hanging up the phone, Congressman Lance let out a sigh as he picked up the next sorry cover letter of an applicant from Huntington County. Schlong on the other hand, will be shitting profusely for the next couple of hours, hoping his study partner keeps watching his stuff.