Not What You Think
CLEVELAND—After playing in the NFL for only two short years with the Cleveland Browns, Johnny Manziel was noticeably distraught at his press conference after being indicted for beating his now ex-girlfriend.
The public thought his actions were because of his impending trial and free agency, but Manziel clarified to reporters.
“Nah, I’m mad cause I just got some AIDs,” said Manziel, who was recently in the news for living with ex-teammate and pothead Josh Gordon. “What even is AIDs? I hear Magic Johnson got something similar but my johnson isn’t magic so I don’t know how I would have gotten it.”
Doctors explained to Manziel “that’s not how it works” but he refused to listen, saying “I have to go rage face, I haven’t banged a prostitute since I got here.”
He had been in the office for 12 minutes.
It is unclear how Manziel contracted AIDS, but reports say it is possible it was from an orgy he hosted, with “more prostitutes than he can count,” which is 23.
They were mostly trannys, according to eye witnesses.
The AIDS also could have come from shooting up heroin every morning with the prostitutes, or every afternoon, or even when he shoots up before bed every night. There’s just no way to know.
Luckily, Manziel forgot about his AIDs shortly after the interview and reportedly “went clubbing with Lil Wayne and got so drunk he shit his pants.”
They both enjoy pouring champagne on phones.
After being cut from the Browns, it’s unclear whether Manziel will ever play pro football again.
He seems unphased by this, though, saying “I finally have time to pursue my real dream of being a little fairy princess.”
In a press release, the Browns gave their support to their 2014 first round draft pick.
“We wish Johnny the best. We just hope he didn’t infect the rest of our players. That is the last thing this organization needs. Not again.”
Manziel will continue seeing doctors while pursuing an NFL comeback.
He will also summon the same magical spirits as Magic Johnson in an attempt to find a cure.