BY Miley Cyrus
So here’s the thing, I know most of y’all at this point don’t wanna listen to what I have to say, but this is an important confession I have to make. I dress up as Hannah Montana during sex. I know what y’all are thinking, “Wait Miley, I thought you said you hated Hannah Montana. I thought it was mentally traumatizing for you?!” Well, yeah. It fucking was. But that’s why I dress up as her in bed. It makes me feel powerful, like I’m facing my biggest fear. How do you think I got Liam back? That’s right, I enticed him with my blonde wig and sequin outfits. And I sing “Nobody’s Perfect,” all while fucking Liam with my strap-on. That’s right kids, Hannah Fucking Montana wears a strap-on AND is into sado-masochism.
Why am I telling y’all about this? To start a muthafuckin conversation. I need people to know that it’s totally fine to dress up as a pre-teen girl and have really hedonistic sex. Now, the things I’m saying might seem too jarring and aggressive for you, but this is me, this is how I talk. I’m badass and I don’t care what you think. That’s how grownups act, and I’m definitely a fucking grownup.
So don’t make it like it’s weird. We all know you jacked off to me when your little sister used to watch my show. I’m back, and I’m better than ever. Nobody can stop me. So download my new album. It’s free, by the way.