BY Ben Jammin
How the fuck did Michael Jackson die again? I swear this is like the fifth time. I remember it vividly: being eager to go home from middle school on my last day because of a bunch of kids crying because they were pretending to be ‘super impacted’ by his death. As if they took a break from their dubstep induced trance to enjoy the works of the King of Pop and tormentor of children.
I bet this has something to do with him being demoted from King to Prince of Pop. I saw photos of the funeral and they went all out with the attire. They gave him the white glove AND the purple suit. I can’t follow it anymore. First his name was Michael Jackson. Then he changed it to some weird unpronouncable symbol. I think he was Amy Winehouse for a few years, but that might have been Ron Artest. Recently, he was The Artist Formerly Known as Michael Jackson, but I’m not sure what they’re putting on his tombstone.
At least they are going to make a shit-ton off of the extra movies they get to put out now that he has died a second time; not to mention that producers are probably going crazy trying to decide whether to make the hologram black or white. I’m not racist but I do think he lost some rhythm when he bleached his skin. I’m glad he went back to his roots. I guess what they say is true, once you go black, you never go back.