Researchers Discover Why White Males Shoot Up Schools

BY Radio Raheem
Does the Right Thing

PISCATAWAY—In a new, groundbreaking study, researchers at Rutgers have revealed a shocking correlation between the recent increase in mass shootings in America and the simple fact that white men don’t use lotion. The study is a joint investigation lead by Rutgers University behavioral psychologist Dr. Evelyn Harris and biologist Dr. Akash Singh.

A conversation over coffee between the two professors sparked he idea for the research. The foremost question on Harris’s mind was: Why are white males so often the perpetrators of mass shootings in this country? Singh could offer no explanation until he asked Harris for some lotion to subdue his chronic eczema, a result of the cold weather. At that point, Harris began to openly hypothesize: are these massacres a seasonal phenomenon?

“It puts the lotion on its skin or else it shoots the 9mm hollowpoints again!!!” Billy doesn’t realize that all his troubles will melt away with a little Aveeno.

Harris organized the incidences by calendar day and determined that more shootings occur during winter months, though the summer months are most deadly. She reached out to Singh for his opinion. His hypothesis has to do with the concentration of melanin in skin.

“Off the bat, there’s nothing intrinsic about melanin that affects a person’s behavior. However, one of the properties of melanin is that in high concentrations, it makes a person’s skin darker,” explains Singh. “So, if you happen to have more melanin in your skin, it will contrast much more with flaking dead skin cells. People with darker complexions normally will use lotions to moisturize and exfoliate the dead skin, which might go unnoticed on a lighter person.”

Dr. Harris came up with a simple test to test this new hypothesis: fifty white men and fifty non-white male humans were separately interviewed about their hygiene habits. Harris and Singh were both shocked to learn that white men simply don’t even bother putting on lotion, while almost everyone else does. “This was a startling breakthrough for us—we made the connection immediately. Apparently white men literally spend their entire lives just being itchy and miserable.”

It’s not surprising that an entire demographic of itchy, angry humans is the same demographic of people that routinely shoots up schools. Finding this connection is a huge breakthrough in public health and safety. This research can eventually lead us to a safer general public, one that doesn’t have to worry about these tragedies we face so many times a year.

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