Kidnapped Alumnus Fails to Raise Interest for Ransom

BY The Bus Kid
Saltier than the Sea

BASKING RIDGE, NJ— Rutgers alumnus Joe Lowe was reported kidnapped last Friday but his rescue is currently marred by a concerning lack of interest in raising his ransom.

The letter tacked to his front door, written in letters cut from tabloid magazines, demands cash in return for Lowe’s life. It seems that Lowe was a randomly chosen target because most would describe him as, “the man who’s just there,” and he was most likely kidnapped for filling the two requirements of breathing and human.

In hopes of raising as much money as possible, the shitty abductors did not limit themselves by setting a ransom and rather left the amount vague. However, this backfired as neighbors and friends did not even bother pooling money for Lowe’s return.

According to the police, the Lowe household has not yet made any attempt to gain the kidnapper’s attention. Wife Jennifer Myers–Lowe lamented, “Yeah… it’s a real shame. We were supposed to go out to Olive Garden that night and he never came back.” ransom.jpg

When asked about her efforts in raising her husband’s ransom, Myers-Lowe answered, “Uh, yeah. I mean of course I would like him back, but money is tight right now and I don’t know how much I can really spare.” She curtly closed the doors on reporters, claiming she felt too distraught to continue while sipping on her margarita.

After several days of waiting for the kidnapper to demand the ransom’s delivery, a finger that has been identified as Lowe’s right pinky was sent to the local police station. A blood-stained note promising more to come with barely legible handwriting accompanied the finger. Upon receiving the appendage, Detective Muller, who had been assigned the case, publicly offered the highest amount yet, $5, and stated, “I just don’t care enough about this bullshit paperwork, let’s just get it done with.”

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