BY Russian Spy
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—President Barchi announced today that the commencement ceremony for the Class of 2016 will be moved to MetLife Stadium to accommodate a larger crowd. The announcement comes just days after Barchi’s decision to allow graduates from Rutgers-Newark and Rutgers-Camden to attend this year’s ceremony, which will feature President Obama as the commencement speaker.
“After we managed to successfully bribe–I mean convince–President Obama to come to Rutgers, we realized that a shit ton of people who aren’t even graduating would want to attend,” Barchi said. “High Point Solutions Stadium cannot accommodate everyone, especially the whiny Newark and Camden students who got their panties in a twist over not being able to attend.
“Really, I just invited them to make myself look better. I wanted to really milk the whole ‘unity’ thing throughout Rutgers. You know, that way I could relate to Obama better and we’d have something to talk about! ‘Like, oh hey dude, our jobs are so similar! I have to unite a bunch of college kids, and you have to unite states and deal with people who want to kill you. We are SO alike!”
This marks even more positive news for Newark and Camden students. Tori Goldstein, a senior at the Newark campus, is particularly elated.
“Man, I am so happy Barchi came to his senses! I was getting really tired of complaining on Facebook and having people call me out for my bad grammar.”
Moving commencement to MetLife Stadium will allow room for more guests. Previously, graduates were only allowed three tickets and one parking pass for their guests. Now they will be allowed up to four tickets, but still only one parking pass.
Barchi hopes that this ceremony will get Rutgers more recognition, as this is the first time ever that a sitting president will speak at a commencement for the University.
“This is gonna be really great for Rutgers, but especially for me. I get to meet the president motherfuckers!”
When asked if he voted for Obama in the previous elections, Barchi responded, “No, he’s too hippy dippy for me. But he IS the president. And like I said last week, DON’T ruin this for me you maddening little fuckers.”
Sources say that there are big plans for the commencement event, including an intense cavity search, anal and vaginal probing, erotic strip searches, finger printing, and more. All of this will be done by the Secret Service, as well as special guest Dennis Hastert.